We all want a soulmate, “The One,” a perfect partner who can read your mind and finish your sentences. We want fate and fireworks, but believing in predetermined destiny is limiting because it leaves little room for adventure and surprise. Love isn’t always syrupy sweet kisses and walking off into the sunset, and a soulmate can shake you awake, reveal new parts of yourself, and expose the obstacles you need to face.

Soulmates give you the opportunity to notice personal obstacles and then actually do something about them. They can force you to your own leading edge, to grow, expand, and develop in ways you did not expect. But all that emotional fever does not guarantee they are your life partner, because riveting romances often come only to introduce ruthless awareness and make us evolve before they leave.

I’m convinced that our cultural understanding of soul-mates and “The One” is small, limiting, and incomplete. We don’t give soulmates enough credit for their potential emotional upheaval and transformative waves, because they are not necessarily forever. Sometimes they come into our lives just to introduce us to a demon we need to beat, and then they leave so we can muster up the courage to let them go and keep growing.

I’m not saying you cannot have strong ideas about what you want in a relationship, but a romance with zero confrontation, zero compromise, and a partner who is an ideal height, weight, eye color, and “always” gets you the perfect anniversary present is probably unrealistic. Maybe they leave the wet laundry in the washer, hate sushi, or are a terrible gift giver, but The One is “The One” because you say so, and who you love is up to you.